Beer is Proof that God Loves Us & Wants Us To Be Happy

According to Wikipedia (not the most credible of sources, I know): Beer is the oldest and most popular alcoholic beverage. There is an abundance in the variety of choices of beer, whether it be lagers, ales, stouts, light beers, wheat beers, or any other kind your heart may desire. There are also a multitude of reasons that one may drink beer; enjoy the taste, peer pressure, to get drunk, or one of my favorites, to make someone of the opposite sex more appealing. For all of these reasons, beer is one of the more functional beverages on the market today. Everyone that enjoys beer, knows why they drink it and which option they prefer. However, the marketing gurus who develop beer advertising have not come to terms with the fact that their beverage sells itself. Here are three prime examples:

Dos Equis: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cxhsgr9Uj4w
In this wonderful ad, a character created by Dos Equis, The Most Interesting Man in the World, is described. His adventures include having an awkward moment to see how it feels, living vicariously through himself, and other great achievements. This mythical creature then endorses, well at least sort of, Dos Equis. He states, "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.". REALLY? So, Dos Equis created a character to sell beer that doesn't always drink beer, and when he does he PREFERS Dos Equis. If I created a character to sell beer, he'd need it to survive. Instead, this guy basically states that if he comes over to your party, and he happens to want a beer, he'll open the cooler and if there's a Dos Equis in it, he'll grab it. If Dos Equis isn't available, he doesn't really give a shit, he'll just grab something else. You damn sure better believe he's not stopping off at the store to grab his own 12-pack. Great endorsement dude, thanks for your time.

Bud Light: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmU_5i7UpyE&feature=related
Bud Light continues the trend of made up reasons to purchase their beverage. In this series of ads, the claim is that the "Drinkability" is the reason to drink Bud Light. First, Drinkability is not a word, and I hope it's drinkable, as all beer should be, it's not like they're selling bricks, or gas. If your product is a liquid, I'm pretty sure it's drinkable. To add to the non-existing word, these commercials also have made up drawings to explain what drinkable means. Some feature maps, others with waves, but in the end it all sucks. Could you imagine a movie preview telling you that the reason to go see their movie was because it was "Watchable". That pretty much implies that it's barely above God-AWFUL. Another ringing endorsement.

Coors Light: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLCeqN1AYE8
Coors Light likes to take an approach different from made up words or characters. Coors Light also likes to stay away from the actual product itself. Instead of working on the beer, the people at Coors have come up with every invention possible to add to their cans or bottles. They came with cooler pack (actually a good idea). There's also the vented, wide-mouth can (also, not that bad). However, the one that tops them all is the cold activated can or bottle. On one of these beauties, you can tell that your beer is cold by looking at the mountains on the label; if they're blue, then your beer is cold. You know how I can tell if my beer is cold - picking it up and fucking drinking it! And, Coors Light claims that it's the "Coldest Tasting Beer"; first, cold is not a taste, it's an adjective to describe temperature or personality. Second, if it's so fucking cold tasting, why should I worry about what color the mountains are? Try making your beer better than mediocre and then you can invent whatever the fuck you want.

Natural Light: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChcnrDRD450
I'm not going to take a long time to describe these Natty Light ads, because no one on Earth should ever take a lot of time talking about Natty Light, unless it's how many you can buy with the amount of money in your pocket. Granted, these ads are funny, but really, why is there a need to promote a beer that is strictly designed for High School and College budgets? Is there going to be a 40-year-old guy sitting around with his Stella or Newcastle who sees the ad and thinks to himself, "Holy shit, Natty Light has an ad. I'm going to drop my respectably brewed beer and go pick up a case of that raccoon piss!"; I don't think so. Stick to what you're good at Natty, being cheap and available at every college party ever.





There are many other poor beer ads that I could get into (Miller Light especially), but the point has been made. While there are good ads (Sam Adams for sure), beer companies and the people who market have no clue how to sell a product that needs no selling. If I'm creating an ad, I'm being honest with the people: You know why you should drink my beer, because every girl's going to become hotter and your day will become much better.



I want to dedicate my first blog posting to the late Billy Mays. Michael Jackson's death has overshadowed the loss of this great marketing legend. Shit, Billy's done more to entertain the masses in the last 5 years than MJ has (Court case doesn't count). Billy Mays could sell anyone anything; shit, if he sold HIV, I'd buy it. Well, only the non-life-threatening, Magic Johnson version. Billy, you truly will be missed.