Callin' Baton Rouge

Alright, so I know I haven't written in awhile, so I'm making this one huge. This is going to be a little different, as the whole article will be broken down into smaller ones to recap the LSU road trip. If you're easily offended, I wouldn't read this:

8 Seconds:
The weekend actually began on Thursday with a trip to the Gainesville bar, 8 Seconds. We decided to attend this establishment per Ian's request, as it was his birthday. Many of us had not been in :08 in about 3 years minimum. The time there was enjoyable with many beers, some shots, and a couple unique sightings. The first was some guy who you would expect to be parked out the elementary school in a tinted van. This guy was such a creeper and topped it off with a sweet 'stache. The second was Sam Bradford's little brother. If Sam Bradford was 5'7" and weighed 150 lbs then he was at :08 that night. We even had Tracy go up and ask for an autograph, we amused myself, Ryan, and Will immensely. It was truly the proper way to begin an epic weekend.

The Van:
The van was quite a piece of machinery. It was stated to sit 15 people, which I'm assuming did not count the fact that luggage would be included. 11 (Slurpee, Pickles, Scummy, Rob, John Dom, I Wags, Ryan, Will, D-Mo, Meredith, and Tracy) would make the journey together like family; almost similar to the partridge family, except in a Church Group van, not a painted bus. I truly wish that someone would have recorded the conversations, albeit mostly between only the people in your row, that took place. I can barely recollect what was actually said, but the amount of laughs on the road were countless. Some included past road trip stories, while others were just random observations, usually made by Pickles, that would garner laughs. The seating arrangement was never set in stone as we were nomads of seats. Some plotted to gain the seat they desired (Mike), while others sat where they may. The most important seat (Shotgun) was vital to the trip. One person stands out as the "Navigator" and this man's name is Will. Will failed so badly as the navigator as he messed up music, did not read directions, and overall lacked in his duties. In a mere 72 hours, we were able to pretty much trash the van, but were able to clean it up enough to return it in good condition. I will forever remember my time in the wonderful Church Group Van.

Alabama Gas Station:
I usually don't pay much attention to the gas stations that are stopped at when on road trips, but this one deserves mentioning. The exact location of where we stopped is not known, but it was surely in the middle of nowhere. The key point to the gas station was the porn shop next door. This is where Scummy got his "Porn Store Cherry" popped. Granted, it's not the classiest of places, but whatever works.

Upset Stomachs:
I don't want to go into too much detail about this subject as it brings back painful memories. Maybe it was the mixture of fast food and booze, but most of the guys in the group, especially me, did not feel well and spent quite a bit of time in the restroom. This was but merely a speed bump on the road of awesomeness.

Bourbon Street:
This was my 3rd visit to New Orleans and as usual this wonderful city did not disappoint. Our hotel was located a block off of Bourbon Street and was really quite nice. It was pretty old and had the unique Creole feel. When we first arrived it was time to drink a couple beers and hear the story of how our boy Dan Linden proposed to his fiance, Heather (Congrats again guys!!!). We all agreed that it would be smart to get something to eat before we began to really party, so we headed down and had pizza and hot dogs (didn't want food to get in the way of what our true mission was). After the food, we returned to the room, had a couple drinks and finally headed to Bourbon St. We first went to a bar called the Cat's Meow to enjoy a bar tab provided by some of the crew's fraternity. The place was fun and was a great way to begin the evening. While hanging out on the balcony, at exactly 9:28pm, I along with two girls, were the first to be flashed (by what I'd guess is a 35-40 year old woman). Nothing brings people from ages 18-65 together like massive quantities of alcohol.

After locating Brooks from the balcony, and with the bar tab spent, we decided to hit the streets and I enjoyed maybe the funniest 30 minutes ever. First we thought it important to grab some "Hand-Grenades". After jumping around the street and taking pictures for a few, the crew split up (I don't remember exactly how or why). However, I can only tell what I was involved in.

Pickles, Brooks, Marissa, and Ryan went to some rock bar. At this bar, they had jell-o shots that were served in fake syringes (bigger than a normal one, and plastic). The waitress came up to our group and offered all of us them and we all respectfully declined, except for Paul that is. He decided he would offer double the amount if she would allow "his boy" aka me to take the shot off of her breasts. After thinking it over for a moment, she agreed and I proceeded to take the shot (what??? It's New Orleans). However, she only had me take it off of one breast and Paul decided that only earned 50% more, not the 100% more. We all shared jokes and moved on.

At this point we ran into Linden who said we had to take the "most fun shot ever". Now, Linden is the type of person who loves to mess with others so I was quite reluctant to participate. However, he explained that Rob agreed to go first, so I said I was in. What proceeded to happen is a little hard to describe, but was so funny to see. A black lady, weighing at least 250 pounds would take a "test-tube shot" and put the closed end in her mouth; she would then grab you by the back of the neck of your shirt and yank you down; lastly, she would dump the shot in your mouth. All of us laughed hysterically and I even was her "assistant" by holding her shot tray, which earned me a free shot.

We got tired of the scene and decided to meet other friends at a bar called "Patty O'Brien's". On the way there, we got to see the Pelzer parents, who looked like they had been having fun. The bar was huge, with a large inside and also large outside patio area that was in the middle of the building. We all enjoyed shots and drinks there and met some of Will's friends from Colorado. Also why there, I met one of the hottest girls I've ever seen (or at least that's what I thought at the time). All I know about her to this day is that her name is Sara, and she works at 101 Downtown...oh, and she's awesome looking.

After Patty's there was more splitting off and some went back to the hotel. I went back due to the stomach issues for a minute, and on my way thought I got incredibly lucky (but, we'll get to that later). Nothing of huge importance really occurred after this but Ryan, John Dom, Devin, and myself did not return home until about 4am.

Miscellaneous happenings on Bourbon street include seeing a horse knock over a girl, enjoying a drink called "Rat Poison" (which is amazing) and hearing about Will taking a cab ride for about an eighth of a mile.

Parking The Van:
I was the one who volunteered for the Saturday morning shift of driving the van. The actual trip from New Orleans to Baton Rogue was very uneventful. Some people joked around and chatted, while others were just hungover.

When we got to Baton Rogue, we checked into the hotel, got back in the van, and went to lunch. After lunch, we returned to the hotel, bought beer at the next-door gas station, and then get ready to leave for tailgating. This is where the real adventure began.

I continued to drive, as my shift was very short. When leaving the hotel, I made a left, because I just thought that was the right way to go. As soon as I made that decision, Rob informed me we were supposed to turn right; I was then forced to turn the van around and go towards the highway. By the time I noticed what lane we were supposed to be in to get on the highway, it was a little too late; I proceeded to make a 90-degree left turn and try and avoid a couple soft posts blocking off the left hand turn lane. I didn't necessarily miss all of them and clipped a couple (the look of horror on this one lady's face was priceless). While on the highway, we Gator-Chomped fellow UF fans and as one got over-excited we saw him nearly hit the car in the lane to the left of him and then almost into the car in the front. As we got to the exit, the traffic started to let longer and my patience began to get shorter (as almost every one's did). By the time we got to campus, you could tell people just wanted out of the fan by the amount of curse words in what was said about the LSU fans (especially the girls in rain boots).

I had remembered a parking lot from the last time we attended a LSU game, and knew that it would be large enough to park the van; also, it was free. We went to the lot, and the entrance to the lot was quite muddy, so we decided to look around. We drove around the block and saw nothing, so we decided to test the mud. As I made a right onto the mud, things started out okay and then all hell broke loose. We began to fish-tail and every passenger began to shout instructions at me. I made it to about the end of the row, to an s-turn when we finally got stuck. At this point, I couldn't take it any more and had to have Paul drive. Extremely nice LSU and Gator fans helped us get unstuck and move the van behind the row of cars already parked. The shit-show turning into a good thing was a theme of the day.

Tailgating:
Tailgating started out as drinking beers by the van out of our couple coolers. People around us were very nice and invited us to play corn-hole and to watch the early games on TV. As we hung out and enjoyed some beverages; some of us had to use the restroom. After Will had been gone for awhile, Ryan noticed that he was over at another tailgate taking Patron shots and enjoying food. Will then proceeded to walk over to our area with a plate of the absolute best food (I don't want to get into it, because it's making me hungry). It was just so enjoyable that everyone was mostly nice.

After awhile, we wanted to meet up with more of our friends to really get the tailgating going. Well, at least that was the plan. We proceeded to walk all over campus looking for our other friends with no such luck. We did however, get to enjoy their student union (which was actually really cool with 3 big screens showing other games), get to see A.J. Pierzynski (who remembered us from tailgating at the National Championship), and get to pass by some funny fans who liked to "hate" on us. I love the hate.

We never found our group, but we did enjoy ourselves during the pregame.

Ticket Fiasco:
If you refer back to the Bourbon Street section, you will notice when I returned to the hotel to use the restroom around 1:45am I thought I got lucky. As I was cutting through a bar, one very similar to Fat Tuesday's, I was asked if I was going to the game tomorrow. I of course, responded yes and this gentleman said, "I'm too drunk to go tomorrow, I'll sell you my two tickets". He said $100, which I drunkenly took for the pair so I went to the ATM, inspected the tickets thoroughly, and took out $100 and handed to him. He said he meant for each ticket, so I haggled with him and got it down to $160 for the pair. I was pumped, I had tickets the day before and at a price that I was happy about. I called Will to tell him I found tickets, but he didn't answer, so I drunkenly offered it to Ryan. While I like Ryan, it was wrong for me to do Will like that and I apologize again (however, it worked out better for him in the end).

All through tailgating a lot of people were looking for tickets and Ryan and I were very calm as we already had a pair. Paul, Mike, Dan and others continued to search as I just continued to tailgate. We had split up leading up to the game so others could look for tickets. Ryan and I were excited and walked towards our gate, meeting a couple friends along the way. When we went to the gate we handed the man our tickets and he went to scan them. After two failed tries, I was then asked the dumbest question, "Are these your usual tickets?" (Now, I'm wearing all Gator clothing, and holding a LSU season ticket). I responded, "no" and the man tried to scan one more time. After that one did not work we were sent to the ticket office, which was about half-way around the stadium. When we got there, we were in line with others who most likely had counterfeit tickets. We were asked what we thought would happen and as I put it "We'll hand the tickets, she'll tell us they're fake, and then pretty much tell us to go fuck ourselves". That's almost exactly what happened (except in a calmer way). I began to get extraordinarily pissed, as Ryan tried to be the calmer one. We walked up the hill and sat down trying to think of what to do. We decided to text everyone to see where they were, so we could meet them at the bar and watch the game. The responses I got were, "Section -", "Section -", "Section -"...which of course lead me to get angrier. After a moment, Ryan and I decided to look to buy a pair again. As we walked back down the hill and around the stadium we saw many people looking for tickets and none selling. We continued to the part of the stadium where we started and I happened to run into the head of the ticket office, who I knew from having a block for so many years and from working in the football office. After a few minutes he was able to get us a pair for $50 each. We ended up sitting in the lower level Gator section, high enough up to see the whole field, and close enough to friends to hang out at halftime. Again, a shit situation turned into gold.

The Game:
The game consisted of the Gators driving down the field with ease, and then struggling as they got closer to the goal-line. Riley Cooper made a great catch, and the defense played great. We ended up with a nice victory.

A side note - this girl behind Ryan and I could yell like no one I have ever heard before. She would scream when LSU was on defense for at least 90 seconds straight at a high pitch that could shatter glass. While it hurt my ears, it was quite impressive.

Louisiana Saturday Night:
Unlike our last trip to LSU, we won this time and were able to go out to the bars without fear of the repercussions. We decided to go to the "strip" and see which place would be the best to go to. On our way, we saw a drunk man face-plant on the sidewalk/street. It was a pretty hard hit, so we all made sure he was okay. Once we knew that his LSU buddy had him, we continued on.

When we got to the strip, we decided on a Mexican restaurant that had a tented area next to it (much like Sloppy Gator used to be, except larger). We had beers and listened to a very good band, who played a wide variety of music. We danced around and got along with the LSU fans and had some interesting conversations. We also got to see two UF fans do some serious bar-make outs. Asses were grabbed, both were posted against the fence, and fans from both teams got to yell comments (it was quite hilarious).

A couple people (Mike, Ian, Dan) decided that they wanted to leave early, so they took the fan. This ended up costing us a lot of time and energy. After the bars closed, and we had gotten food, 8 of us tried to get a cab. This is difficult in Baton Rogue as almost no cabs were around the bar area, which we found weird. After trying to pile all 8 of us into one cab; Ryan, JD, Devin, and myself stayed back and would get a different cab. However, we didn't have any money and had to go to the ATM. The first one Devin went to was broken. The second one, in a gas station, was also broken. Devin went to ask a police officer where the nearest one was and he pointed towards where we had parked earlier in the day, and asked if she was by herself. He was worried because the area goes from "college town" to "the hood" as soon as the bars empty. She responded that the 3 guys were with her, and we all went to go get money. After waiting a long while, the same cab that brought Rob, Paul, Meredith, and Will home got us and we finally got back around 3:45am. It was a really long night, but a lot of fun.

I have to say, from my time in New Orleans and Baton Rogue, I have noticed there are almost no laws. They don't have open-container while walking on the street, they don't make you throw your beer out when you leave the bar, and they let you tailgate wherever you want. It was near anarchy, but it was pretty awesome.

Trip Back:
Not much exciting happened on the trip back. We got to see some super douches in the Subway who were too lazy to put shoes on. We also got to follow along the NFL games (specifically the Giants) on iPhones and laugh about the ridic results that were appearing.

I put this section just to give props to I-Wags for his MVP-like driving the entire way from Baton Rogue to Gainesville (with the only mistake being him going back through New Orleans).

Memories:
Sometimes I get questioned about spending the money I do on these types of road trips. Granted, it would probably be more responsible for me to not go on some of the trips that I do. However, I don't want to be the person who regrets not doing something. I do these trips for the memories and just want to thank all my friends for helping provide these great times.

If I find more pictures, I will add them.

Nothing Like It...

Last week, on Thursday evening at 7:00 the countdown could be stopped as millions of people across the country rejoiced at the beginning of the best time of the year. That of course would be College Football Season. While there may be some haters that disagree, College Football Season is the greatest part about being a college student. Shit, it's the greatest part about being an alumni of a university. It is one of the few things that will bring freshman and 60-year-olds together for a common purpose: to tailgate and then watch THEIR school kick some ass.

I myself am one of the biggest college football fans that I know. Some might even call it an obsession. On Thursday, when the South Carolina-NC State game kicked off, I was sitting in class. However, I would not be denied my college football, and proceeded to watch the game on ESPN360 with many of my classmates. The way I look at it, I'm a Sport Management major, so I'm studying. I am one of those kids who will watch any game, no matter who is playing. For instance, I watched the Ole Miss-Memphis and Colorado-Colorado St games last weekend despite not having any care for who won or lost (well, for Will I rooted for Colorado).

See, college football has brought me some of the best memories I've had as a college student. The endless weekends of being at The Office, or tailgating next to Little Hall, and then attending the BBQs at the Wickers have made me wish that college football season never ended. There's just something about getting together with hundreds of friends and enjoying Gator Football.

Last week, because I'm out of my mind, I woke up at 10:00am for a game that began at 7:00pm, against a team that I've never heard of. I did this, because every chance that I have to enjoy a game-day, I will. I met up with Alumni that we had met through tailgating through the years. They run a serious tailgate, even for the smallest of games. I also got to enjoy a wonderful college house tailgate with all of Boyztown and ended the pregame festivities at the Wicker's wonderful BBQ. Each weekend, the same events occur yet they never get old.


On September 19, 2009 the biggest weekend of the year will occur. For this weekend, my father is coming for his annual Gator game. Despite the fact that he has never spent an hour in a UF classroom, he has become a Gator fan through me (although the FAU Owls are his true team). Also, every person that I can think of will be attending that game, including Dan, who lives in NYC. This game will bring friends who haven't seen each other in months, or even a year, together to party and enjoy another day in Gainesville, FL.


The season also brings road trips. This year, the road trip has been planned for LSU. Road trips for college football are a tradition unlike any other. I've enjoyed many a great time in towns such as Tallahassee, Baton Rouge, Knoxville, Miami, and Atlanta. All of this traveling is thanks to the Gator football team and their successes. Some, such as Will, get the pleasure of traveling for two teams (Gators & Buffs). While not always welcomed at these away games, it is always a good time to party in a new city. If you have not gone on one, I would recommend it.

Lastly, this season is bringing something that has never happened in the 6 previous years that I have been at UF; my mother, Darby, will be attending her first Gator game (Arkansas). While she isn't a huge football fan, and doesn't know my friends the way my dad does, I have convinced her to finally come for a game. How it's taken this long is beyond me as I non-stop rave about how much fun it is. I think that she doesn't believe me how much fun it is. I can't wait to show her that I've probably understated it.

College Football is the best thing in sports, and the actual game is just the tip of the iceberg. The friends you make, and times you have, are truly what makes college football incredible.

Decisions, Decisions

Sorry for the break, but I've been busy making Bad Decisions, so I thought I'd write about it...

My boy Fera used and his crew used to go out Thursday nights to downtown Gainesville and get nice and rowdy. This tradition was known as "Bad Decision Thursday". I proceeded to borrow the idea of "Bad Decision ____" and took it to South Florida with me as we went out on Fridays after work, even as far as to include my Godfather in the quote. The saying was then brought to the Keys for Spring Break 'O8, and after having "Bad Decision Monday", "Bad Decision Tuesday", and "Bad Decision Wednesday"; Rob made the claim that we should just rename it "Bad Decision '08". This has continued, to a lesser degree into '09.

It is important to know that "Bad Decisions" are not necessarily bad decisions, although they may be viewed that way by some. A "Bad Decision" includes partying hard, maybe bringing home a less-than-attractive partner, or even just spending too much money on a certain night.
It's not always that bad, but it sure isn't the most responsible.

I've been thinking about it and I view a lot of good as I've made my return to Gainesville for the seventh year of college. I make jokes about trying to stay here as long as possible, but in honesty I actually am earning 3 degrees. The way I went and continue going about it may not be the most practical, but I'm having a good time and I don't care. I'm not living my life for other people, and no one should. There's no standard way to go about living your life, so just do what makes you happy.

I've made some good decisions in my life (picking UF is probably tops on the list) and I've certainly made some bad decisions (seems it is usually with girls). However, all of these decisions eventually lead up to who I am and what I'll become. Granted, I have regrets about not working a little harder, or not just blocking out what my friends thought about certain things; but I can't change any of that now and the quicker I learn and am able to apply that I can move forward.

As I continue through life, many choices will be put in front of me and I must decide which path to take. These paths may lead to a career, a wife (she'll have to have some patience) and a kid (hopefully no time soon). Some may disagree with the maze that I choose to take, and that's fine as we all have our own opinion on what are good and bad decisions.

All I know is that every "Bad Decision" has made great memories.

Check Them At The Door

Last weekend, I took a short weekend trip to the Florida Keys (Islamorada). While there, I caught some jabs and some compliments about the blog. While there, I was requested to write about the Keys, so it is my honor to oblige.

Vacations, no matter how simple or extravagant are a great tool to get away from the stresses of life at home. Whether to get away from work, get away from family, or to just experience something different, these trips allow people to let go and enjoy the time when they're away. Some people choose to let loose a little more than others and some locations bring this out of people more than others.

While I've been to many different locals across the US, there are some that I visit at least once a year. One place that falls into this group is Tallahassee, FL. Granted, this is not one of my favorite places, as it hosts FSU; but, it has also been home to a good variety of friends and some great times. I have noticed, while in Tally, there is never a night where I am calm and just hang out at the house. This could be due to the fact that I am usually there for a big rivalry game (UF-FSU or UM-FSU). The mood is always a little more amped up and leads to crazier partying. I have yet to be in Tallahassee to just relax and hang out.

Another location that seems to bring this out of me is the Florida Keys. The Florida Keys are a calm getaway for many Florida citizens, especially older folks with boats and beach houses. The attitude of many visitors is relaxed and they are there to enjoy the weather and the activities that come with being surrounded with water.

Being younger, this serenity doesn't necessarily apply to myself or my friends. Granted, I appreciate every time that I get to enjoy The Keys and Rob's house. I make sure to at least spend 1 hour on the deck or dock and look out over the water and take in view. I think of what it would take to not work and just hang out like that forever...but then reality hits. Every time I have been to the Keys (4th of July, New Years, Spring Break, Random Weekend) something or someone is out of control.

I think of many great stories, just not great decisions that have been made. For the longest time, I thought it had to do with the group that I was with and how we were. However, after the last couple trips, I believe that it's just something in the air. Every time I have attended this group of islands, a unique story has occurred, mostly involving one or even none of our group. It's as if when you get onto US 1, they make you check your morals and standards at the door. Everyone seems to be looking for the worst decisions that they can possibly make. Everyone seems to work on the Binary System and the feeling of embarrassment does not exist. People treat the Keys as if when they return to the mainland, what they did will not be remembered by anyone. The Keys even bring this mentality out of people whom I even thought to be very conservative, as I learned this past weekend. Even on evenings that are spent grilling at the house, some sort of partying is bound to occur.

I cannot fully describe what occurs in the Keys as if I were to it would be an entire book (Wow, good idea). However, many of these bad decisions are located in 2 areas. During the day, shenanigan's take place at the Sand Bar and later on at night, at Hog's Heaven (or The Hog).

At the Sand Bar, boats anchor up and the passengers proceed to get in the water, beer in hand, and walk around (sometimes creep). Guys check out every girl and vice versa. Some groups are more family oriented (not a great idea) and the some are more out of control. Everyone is usually friendly to one another, probably because they are all in the same mindset as everyone has checked all good decisions at the Keys entrance. Funnels, Beer Pong, and Shotguns are commonplace. Occasionally, you meet a group that gives you tequila shots within 3 minutes of knowing you. Other times call for wrestling 2 girls in a Hamster Ball on the water. No matter the day or the event, there is always something crazy going on.

The Hog is the night time bar for anyone and everyone located around Islamorada. Some times the crowds are large, others the place is scarcely packed. However, within hours, sometimes minutes, one's mind is boggled by the actions of another patron. This is most likely due to the overwhelming amount of shots taken. Inside the Hog, you may see girls dance (I use the term dance quite loosely) on the bar. Or, you could see your friends get lap dances by a grease-burned cook who just got off her shift. You could run into people you've met on the Sand Bar, which turns into a whole new adventure. Since there's not always the best choices in The Hog, you pretty much just settle, and it's no biggie since your plenty of drinks deep. The Hog says it closes at 4am, but might stay open if there are enough people there. Close is interesting as patrons squeeze into cabs, some without knowing each other or having money to pay. If the cab isn't your way home, you could get a ride home on a Child's Seat, or as I have recently experienced, walk the 2.5 miles back to the house.

While the stories may not always end up the way you would like, they're bound to bring a smile to your face when you remember them, or are reminded of them. Sometimes the pieces must be put together by the group, like a Jigsaw team. You may not always be proud of what you've done, but at least it's a good story. And while you may have a time of guilt, you can then point out what another member of the group has done in the past and all is kosher.

The Keys is a magical and mysterious place. The views and weather are beautiful, and under the shining sun the choices made are not always the prettiest. While the actions of people in the Keys may be frowned upon on the mainland, they are welcomed there. But, they are left there whenever one picks back up their morals and standards and heads back north, with whatever dignity they have left.

God Bless The Conch Republic!

Raising The Bar Scene

Lately, I've been writing about more serious topics just trying to blow off steam from things that have occurred recently in my life. This week, I've decided to write about something that occurs in my life nearly every week, and something that many of my friends can relate very easily to - going to the bar.

I've been to three distinct genres of bars throughout my travels; the ones in large cities (Miami, Ft. Lauderdale, Orlando, Tampa, Jacksonville, New York, Boston, Atlanta, New Orleans, etc.), the one in college towns (Gainesville, Tallahassee, Athens, Baton Rouge, Knoxville, etc.), and the local town bars (Cooper City, The Keys, etc). The atmosphere, service, and prices of these establishments vary greatly; as do the the ages of patrons (when I'm in school it's 18-25, in South Florida it's 16-60). Despite this variety in experiences, many will notice the same things when they attend these drinking joints.

The first thing noticed when at a bar is the service, especially if the service is poor. There is nothing more annoying than standing at a bar, money in hand, and not getting served. I find that if Hell exists, this is going to be my own version. While, I'm all for being a gentleman, I'm not always down for the bartender making every girl in the joint some crazy concoction when all I want is a G&T or a beer (nice, simple drinks). Even worse, is being behind the person that can't decide what they want. Experienced bar-goers know exactly what they drink (even if their tastes vary) and can order in a split second. The menu at a bar is pretty much the same at every bar you attend, and it's been that way since bars were created. Occasionally you'll get new tricks thrown in there, but seriously, it's beer, whiskey, vodka, gin, wine; pick one....NOW!!! However, when the service is good, you hardly notice the ordering of the drinks as it becomes an enjoyable experience. If you are as I am, you enjoy these places where a rapport has been built with the bartenders and they serve you better and you tip accordingly.

The atmosphere of the bar is the only thing about the experience that is shared by men and women. I thought it was reserved for college sorority girls, but adult women do all the same silly tricks. First, girls attend the bar to spend time with their girls, have a few drinks, and DANCE. God, these chicks love to dance. There is even a known statement, "Fuck guys, I just want to dance" blatantly shows this attitude of not having any concern for the other sex. Despite this lack of care for guys, it will NEVER ever stop a girl from trying to get as many free drinks at the bar as possible (even if she has a boyfriend). Girls have the ability to go to the bar with basically no money and successfully drinking throughout the night (yes, there is jealousy).

Just because there are nights when girls just want to dance, they deep down want the same thing guys do, which I'll get to in a few. Girls also all have standard moves that they do at the bar. For some reason, no matter what the age, girls feel that they cannot leave each other's side for any reason for any split second. No matter, how little space there is to move they must form the "Friend-Chain" and hold hands as they walk throughout the bar. While this chain can reach up to 6 girls, it doesn't matter, everyone must immediately move out of the way or have the train run you off the tracks (drinks, feet, and manners be damned). While they easily could get through if they didn't hold hands and said "excuse me" that would require too many concessions, and this isn't a ballpark, concessions are closed.

Guys go to the bar for two things, and two things only: to get drunk and try and hook up. The only way the first one won't happen is if the second one does early on. The best nights ever for a guy are when both occur on the same night. To girls, hanging with their friends is an important part of the night; for guys, this is just a way to bridge the gap of time between starting the evening and their goals. Occasionally the friend can give an assist to the goal by being a good wingman, a service which must be reciprocated if the opportunity presents itself.

See, when at a bar, guys are constantly looking for who they can hook up with. When the night begins, there are standards (maybe not standards, but at least preferences). I think of it as similar as to when I got my first car. When I first started looking for a vehicle, I really wanted a Jeep Wrangler. If it wasn't a Jeep, it had to at least be a SUV. If I couldn't get a SUV, then I wanted the car to be a convertible. If not a convertible, at least it had to have a sunroof. When I first received my vehicle, it was a hard-top car with no sunroof, but I was satisfied because I got a vehicle. See, guys aim high, but as the drinks keep coming, the aim might get a little shaky and the guy will settle for what he can get. Guys implore the Binary System by the end of most nights. There is know rating 1-10, there are simply 1s and 0s, yeses and nos. No matter how poor the decision is, no guy is to prevent another from making that decision. Instead, the friends choose to make fun of the person at a later date.

While not ever spoken in the open, as guys do, girls really just want to hook up to. Well, at least most do. These normal girls are not what guys look out for at bars. There are a few types that must be looked out for:

First, the Mother Hen. She believes that everyone came in one car at one time and everyone must go home in one car at the same time. She screens every guy that talks to one of her friends and will quickly halt any chance a guy may have. She makes sure all her "chicks" stick together and no one does anything "too crazy".

Second, the Moral High Horse. She is very similar to the Mother Hen as she must screen every guy. She will tell her every judgment, not necessarily to the guy, but loud enough to show her disapproval. Her friend may want to have fun; however, she makes sure that it doesn't happen as someone might get the "wrong impression".

Lastly, the Ms. Me Too. This girl is all about partying and in most cases can be really fun to be around. However, if she isn't getting attention from a guy, then none of her friends are allowed to. She'll drop the "maybe next time" or the "well, I drove" to try and make her friend feel guilty for trying to leave without her.

Guys are a different creature. We rarely look out for each other in the bar, unless it's a physical altercation. Rather, we allow for each other to make horrible decisions; if for nothing but the story. We don't care what girl our friends are talking to, unless she has friends. There's no real round up of friends. Instead, guys will leave when they feel like and allow other friends to leave accordingly.

While these differences are there and are blatantly shown while in the bar, it is important that we come together to allow for what everyone wants anyway - the hookup. This is difficult because of the double-standard in our society. If a guy hooks up a lot, he the man; a girl does it and she's a sloot. We need to toss this stigma out the window and allow for girls to feel comfortable with what they're doing.

Because honestly, we all just want to "Get drunk and make some bad decisions".

Just Looking Out

I was having a tough time deciding what to write about this week, as I wanted to go back to more comedic topics, but haven't really been in a comedic mood the past few days.

So, I thought back to something my stepmother brought up last week; and the topic has been mentioned by other family members before: The fact that when I do something, there's usually an ulterior motive. Usually this motive is how my actions will most benefit me. I was always thinking of me first. I do nice things to be nice occasionally, but usually I would like something in return. I never did this consciously, but after recent events, I more now than ever believe in looking out for yourself.

My father believes in Karma, that because of good deeds that you do, things will come back around. That if you "do the right thing" you will be rewarded for your efforts. He's not religious at all, but he uses his belief in Karma to keep positive when times are rough.

Many look towards religion to help "guide" them through their trials and tribulations. Turning to a Higher Power is a way to help understand why certain situations ended up the way that they have, be it for better or worse. They believe that there is a Bigger Plan for all of mankind.

While I don't like to view myself as a pessimist, I think that both Karma and Religion is a load of shit. I'm not knocking anybody that uses it to get by, it's just not for me. First, if Karma really did exists, scumbag people who only look out for themselves and have not really contributed much to society (Paris Hilton is the first who comes to mind) would not get to do whatever they F'n feel like all the time. People that have had it rough for a long time would at least catch a break here or there. It would not constantly be the same results for the same people.

Religiously, I just have a tough time with the whole "Mine is right, yours is wrong" thought process that goes into a lot of teachings from many different sects of religion. No one has met any of the gods, or religious icons. Jesus isn't on your speed dial. So how are you so sure that what is written in a book or two is the exact way things are. As for a bigger plan, athletes thank God for touchdowns, but I'm sorry...God doesn't have a favorite football team. If he did, it might be the Gators (that's just because of His' boy Tebow).

My point is, don't but your life into the hands of something that has the possibility of not being true at all. To trust these "forces" leaves you hoping that something will go right, not making it go right. You need to trust in yourself and do what is good for YOU, even if it's just for that moment. While, at all times this may not be the right thing to do, you'll know that you did what you wanted, and you should never regret that.

While this may sound arrogant and selfish, you only need to worry about yourself, and figuring how to better your standing. It will never be said, but that's what the American Dream is - getting yours. The same should be said about personal relationships. There are many people out there, and very few of them are trustworthy enough for you to fully believe that they are looking out for any of your interests, let alone your best.

Don't count on someone or something to hang onto you because you'll get dropped like a fly ball to a Mets' outfielder. So, just stay on your game and don't get played like you're a Nintendo Wii.

Timing IS Everything

Now, I know the timing of this post is odd, but I wanted to keep it shorter and mix it up a bit. Plus, my boss just informed me that we're getting out early, so I didn't want to take up too much time thinking about what to write. I'll get back to less serious topics next post. Enjoy.

This summer, I've been taking it easy in terms of going out at night. I still have been out a lot on the weekends, but the weekday adventures have been fewer than any time I can remember since being out of high school. This decision, albeit somewhat determined by outside circumstances has given me a lot of time to think; probably too much time. I've thought about a lot of instances throughout my life that has greatly changed who I am, and how I view things. I've come to one conclusion, the most important aspect in anyone's life is TIMING.

Timing is involved in almost everything that we do, and has the possibility to change everything drastically. In football, if the wide receiver and quarterback don't have the right timing, then the pass is usually off target and results in an incompletion or an interception. Should you leave your house at the right moment, your timing could result in you catching every light and being late. Shoot, even when saying "that's what she said" timing is crucial. Time it correctly, you get laughs, time it incorrectly and everyone stares at you with a stupid look on their face like your one of those hidden-image pictures.

Most often, timing is not something that is carefully planned out, it is just a coincidence that a certain series of events have led up to. When I was applying to colleges, I was originally determined to go out-of-state. I applied to only two schools in Florida, and four schools in other states. When it came to picking one, I was between two schools (UF and Ohio St.). The timing of that UF gave me to make a decision for housing came before I had received all scholarship offers from OSU. Because of this, I made the smart decision and attended UF. This has turned out to be one of the best results of forced timing in my life.

There are other instances where timing is much more complicated and requires many different actions to all occur at once. One summer evening a few years back all of my roommates were out of the house. One had to work, whereas the other two had decided to go to the bars. I, for one of the few times that summer, had decided to stay in. I had been playing X-Box most of the evening, but remembered that I needed to check a couple things on the computer. The roommate that was working was going to be home soon, and since my computer was broken, I had to use his, so I wanted to make sure to be done before he got home as to not bother him. For some reason, I signed on to AIM (which has now become completely useless) and a few moments later received a message from someone I had not talked to all that much, and had only known briefly. This single moment lead to many other conversations, and a very confusing and complicated situation. I, to this day, wonder what would be different had I not stayed in that night.

Not all of the things that timing affects is ground breaking. Shit, you could be at the right spot at the right time and find five bucks. You could be the guy who happens to walk up to the bar when the girl next to you decides it's time to go home with someone. Subtle or out in the open, timing is the key to everything. Shoot, even my fall roommate and now good friend, was a result of when a fight happened at a party.

While many of us take the things that occur in our lives for granted, which I myself do very often; If we really look back, we will know that most of our lives have been greatly affected by the timing of or within certain situations. Whether it be how your parents met, something that happened to them that has affected you, or bumping into someone you know that winds up being your spouse later down the road.

Also, if you enjoy this blog, check out my dad's at http://wahdaimelon.blogspot.com/

Judge, Jury, & Execute Me

While first viewed as a fad, season after season of television has showed us that Reality TV is here to stay. While there are some good reality shows; some for their entertainment (Amazing Race, Top Chef), some for their contribution to actual society (Biggest Loser), or for the ability to make fun of them (anything on VH1), most of these shows are crap.

The most popular of this crap are the competition shows such as American Idol and America's Got Talent. Besides the fact that it completely undermines how real music or talent should be found, a lot of this stuff is over hyped pop-garbage. However, the crying over Sanjaya or the fat lady from Scotland (Britain's Got Talent) is not the biggest problem I have with these shows. The main fault that I find with the shows are the people who judge whether or not someone is talented.

I noticed my utter distaste for the judges early on, but it really struck me on Tuesday night, when at the bar, Jarrod and I were in front of a TV with America's Got Talent showing. On this particular episode, all the judges were making faces at this hideous lady as she tried to sing. Granted, she probably sucked (I don't know because the sound was off) and it's well within their right to say no and not let her pass. My problem was with how they mocked this lady. Especially the people who were mocking her.

First, David Hasselhoff: This guy doesn't have any talent, let alone the ability to judge people that do. Hasselhoff starred in two very popular sitcoms. The first was Knight Rider, which was a cop show that involved a talking car. In this, the talking car stole the show and was the only reason that people watched. His other popular series was Baywatch. There is no way on earth people gave a rat's ass that The Hoff was on that show, they wanted to see slow-motion booby bouncing. You could have put Dick Cheney as the co-star and it still would have been popular. Hasselhoff also supposedly is popular in Germany (big deal, so was Hitler). The most known thing that The Hoff has done recently is be a drunk retard in front of his kid (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH3JAp7vMuo&feature=fvw) - that must take a lot of talent.

Next, there's Sharon Osbourne. This lady is best known for being married to someone who actually was talented, Ozzy Osbourne. Her biggest talent was the ability to keep that guy alive. She took her reality show from MTV (which shows just how ridiculously dysfunctional her family is) and somehow turned that into a talk show deal. I don't even think that show lasted a full season. My guess is, people don't like taking advice from a person best known for marrying a degenerate and raising two degenerate kids. Thanks for showing up.

The last judge is Piers Morgan. I had to Google this guy to even know what he did to even remotely be considered. Supposedly, this guy was the editor for a big British tabloid magazine, the Daily Mirror. When did writing gossip about a bunch of shit that no one cares about suddenly give you the ability to judge talent? If I wanted to know what athlete a Kardashian is banging now, I'll ask Piers, but not if I want to know if someone can dance or sing, or do anything that requires any skill. I'll give it to him though, he did kiss Donald Trump's ass well enough to win the Celebrity Apprentice.

This amazing collaboration of judges and the crap that they judge is hosted by none other than Nick Cannon (yes, the one that's married to Mariah Carey). Nick Cannon is known for rapping, acting, and performing comedy. Granted, he does do these things, but none of them are good. His movie credits include Drumline, Garfield, Roll Bounce, and a bunch of crap no one's heard of. He had his own show, Wild'n Out, in which he was the worst performer on the show. Kat Williams was able to get more popular but Nick was forced to latch on to Mariah's teet to remain somewhat relevant. This guy goes to bed at night praying that he could have an ounce of the talent that Carlos Mencia has.

American Idol is no better, especially with the loopy Paula Abdul, who's biggest hit was made with a cartoon cat. However, at least Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell are known throughout the record business. I'm not even going to get started with Ryan Seacrest.

Please people, if you decide to watch this crap, take into consideration who you're allowing to sway your opinion.

Beer is Proof that God Loves Us & Wants Us To Be Happy

According to Wikipedia (not the most credible of sources, I know): Beer is the oldest and most popular alcoholic beverage. There is an abundance in the variety of choices of beer, whether it be lagers, ales, stouts, light beers, wheat beers, or any other kind your heart may desire. There are also a multitude of reasons that one may drink beer; enjoy the taste, peer pressure, to get drunk, or one of my favorites, to make someone of the opposite sex more appealing. For all of these reasons, beer is one of the more functional beverages on the market today. Everyone that enjoys beer, knows why they drink it and which option they prefer. However, the marketing gurus who develop beer advertising have not come to terms with the fact that their beverage sells itself. Here are three prime examples:

Dos Equis: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cxhsgr9Uj4w
In this wonderful ad, a character created by Dos Equis, The Most Interesting Man in the World, is described. His adventures include having an awkward moment to see how it feels, living vicariously through himself, and other great achievements. This mythical creature then endorses, well at least sort of, Dos Equis. He states, "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.". REALLY? So, Dos Equis created a character to sell beer that doesn't always drink beer, and when he does he PREFERS Dos Equis. If I created a character to sell beer, he'd need it to survive. Instead, this guy basically states that if he comes over to your party, and he happens to want a beer, he'll open the cooler and if there's a Dos Equis in it, he'll grab it. If Dos Equis isn't available, he doesn't really give a shit, he'll just grab something else. You damn sure better believe he's not stopping off at the store to grab his own 12-pack. Great endorsement dude, thanks for your time.

Bud Light: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmU_5i7UpyE&feature=related
Bud Light continues the trend of made up reasons to purchase their beverage. In this series of ads, the claim is that the "Drinkability" is the reason to drink Bud Light. First, Drinkability is not a word, and I hope it's drinkable, as all beer should be, it's not like they're selling bricks, or gas. If your product is a liquid, I'm pretty sure it's drinkable. To add to the non-existing word, these commercials also have made up drawings to explain what drinkable means. Some feature maps, others with waves, but in the end it all sucks. Could you imagine a movie preview telling you that the reason to go see their movie was because it was "Watchable". That pretty much implies that it's barely above God-AWFUL. Another ringing endorsement.

Coors Light: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLCeqN1AYE8
Coors Light likes to take an approach different from made up words or characters. Coors Light also likes to stay away from the actual product itself. Instead of working on the beer, the people at Coors have come up with every invention possible to add to their cans or bottles. They came with cooler pack (actually a good idea). There's also the vented, wide-mouth can (also, not that bad). However, the one that tops them all is the cold activated can or bottle. On one of these beauties, you can tell that your beer is cold by looking at the mountains on the label; if they're blue, then your beer is cold. You know how I can tell if my beer is cold - picking it up and fucking drinking it! And, Coors Light claims that it's the "Coldest Tasting Beer"; first, cold is not a taste, it's an adjective to describe temperature or personality. Second, if it's so fucking cold tasting, why should I worry about what color the mountains are? Try making your beer better than mediocre and then you can invent whatever the fuck you want.

Natural Light: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChcnrDRD450
I'm not going to take a long time to describe these Natty Light ads, because no one on Earth should ever take a lot of time talking about Natty Light, unless it's how many you can buy with the amount of money in your pocket. Granted, these ads are funny, but really, why is there a need to promote a beer that is strictly designed for High School and College budgets? Is there going to be a 40-year-old guy sitting around with his Stella or Newcastle who sees the ad and thinks to himself, "Holy shit, Natty Light has an ad. I'm going to drop my respectably brewed beer and go pick up a case of that raccoon piss!"; I don't think so. Stick to what you're good at Natty, being cheap and available at every college party ever.





There are many other poor beer ads that I could get into (Miller Light especially), but the point has been made. While there are good ads (Sam Adams for sure), beer companies and the people who market have no clue how to sell a product that needs no selling. If I'm creating an ad, I'm being honest with the people: You know why you should drink my beer, because every girl's going to become hotter and your day will become much better.



I want to dedicate my first blog posting to the late Billy Mays. Michael Jackson's death has overshadowed the loss of this great marketing legend. Shit, Billy's done more to entertain the masses in the last 5 years than MJ has (Court case doesn't count). Billy Mays could sell anyone anything; shit, if he sold HIV, I'd buy it. Well, only the non-life-threatening, Magic Johnson version. Billy, you truly will be missed.