Just Looking Out

I was having a tough time deciding what to write about this week, as I wanted to go back to more comedic topics, but haven't really been in a comedic mood the past few days.

So, I thought back to something my stepmother brought up last week; and the topic has been mentioned by other family members before: The fact that when I do something, there's usually an ulterior motive. Usually this motive is how my actions will most benefit me. I was always thinking of me first. I do nice things to be nice occasionally, but usually I would like something in return. I never did this consciously, but after recent events, I more now than ever believe in looking out for yourself.

My father believes in Karma, that because of good deeds that you do, things will come back around. That if you "do the right thing" you will be rewarded for your efforts. He's not religious at all, but he uses his belief in Karma to keep positive when times are rough.

Many look towards religion to help "guide" them through their trials and tribulations. Turning to a Higher Power is a way to help understand why certain situations ended up the way that they have, be it for better or worse. They believe that there is a Bigger Plan for all of mankind.

While I don't like to view myself as a pessimist, I think that both Karma and Religion is a load of shit. I'm not knocking anybody that uses it to get by, it's just not for me. First, if Karma really did exists, scumbag people who only look out for themselves and have not really contributed much to society (Paris Hilton is the first who comes to mind) would not get to do whatever they F'n feel like all the time. People that have had it rough for a long time would at least catch a break here or there. It would not constantly be the same results for the same people.

Religiously, I just have a tough time with the whole "Mine is right, yours is wrong" thought process that goes into a lot of teachings from many different sects of religion. No one has met any of the gods, or religious icons. Jesus isn't on your speed dial. So how are you so sure that what is written in a book or two is the exact way things are. As for a bigger plan, athletes thank God for touchdowns, but I'm sorry...God doesn't have a favorite football team. If he did, it might be the Gators (that's just because of His' boy Tebow).

My point is, don't but your life into the hands of something that has the possibility of not being true at all. To trust these "forces" leaves you hoping that something will go right, not making it go right. You need to trust in yourself and do what is good for YOU, even if it's just for that moment. While, at all times this may not be the right thing to do, you'll know that you did what you wanted, and you should never regret that.

While this may sound arrogant and selfish, you only need to worry about yourself, and figuring how to better your standing. It will never be said, but that's what the American Dream is - getting yours. The same should be said about personal relationships. There are many people out there, and very few of them are trustworthy enough for you to fully believe that they are looking out for any of your interests, let alone your best.

Don't count on someone or something to hang onto you because you'll get dropped like a fly ball to a Mets' outfielder. So, just stay on your game and don't get played like you're a Nintendo Wii.

Timing IS Everything

Now, I know the timing of this post is odd, but I wanted to keep it shorter and mix it up a bit. Plus, my boss just informed me that we're getting out early, so I didn't want to take up too much time thinking about what to write. I'll get back to less serious topics next post. Enjoy.

This summer, I've been taking it easy in terms of going out at night. I still have been out a lot on the weekends, but the weekday adventures have been fewer than any time I can remember since being out of high school. This decision, albeit somewhat determined by outside circumstances has given me a lot of time to think; probably too much time. I've thought about a lot of instances throughout my life that has greatly changed who I am, and how I view things. I've come to one conclusion, the most important aspect in anyone's life is TIMING.

Timing is involved in almost everything that we do, and has the possibility to change everything drastically. In football, if the wide receiver and quarterback don't have the right timing, then the pass is usually off target and results in an incompletion or an interception. Should you leave your house at the right moment, your timing could result in you catching every light and being late. Shoot, even when saying "that's what she said" timing is crucial. Time it correctly, you get laughs, time it incorrectly and everyone stares at you with a stupid look on their face like your one of those hidden-image pictures.

Most often, timing is not something that is carefully planned out, it is just a coincidence that a certain series of events have led up to. When I was applying to colleges, I was originally determined to go out-of-state. I applied to only two schools in Florida, and four schools in other states. When it came to picking one, I was between two schools (UF and Ohio St.). The timing of that UF gave me to make a decision for housing came before I had received all scholarship offers from OSU. Because of this, I made the smart decision and attended UF. This has turned out to be one of the best results of forced timing in my life.

There are other instances where timing is much more complicated and requires many different actions to all occur at once. One summer evening a few years back all of my roommates were out of the house. One had to work, whereas the other two had decided to go to the bars. I, for one of the few times that summer, had decided to stay in. I had been playing X-Box most of the evening, but remembered that I needed to check a couple things on the computer. The roommate that was working was going to be home soon, and since my computer was broken, I had to use his, so I wanted to make sure to be done before he got home as to not bother him. For some reason, I signed on to AIM (which has now become completely useless) and a few moments later received a message from someone I had not talked to all that much, and had only known briefly. This single moment lead to many other conversations, and a very confusing and complicated situation. I, to this day, wonder what would be different had I not stayed in that night.

Not all of the things that timing affects is ground breaking. Shit, you could be at the right spot at the right time and find five bucks. You could be the guy who happens to walk up to the bar when the girl next to you decides it's time to go home with someone. Subtle or out in the open, timing is the key to everything. Shoot, even my fall roommate and now good friend, was a result of when a fight happened at a party.

While many of us take the things that occur in our lives for granted, which I myself do very often; If we really look back, we will know that most of our lives have been greatly affected by the timing of or within certain situations. Whether it be how your parents met, something that happened to them that has affected you, or bumping into someone you know that winds up being your spouse later down the road.

Also, if you enjoy this blog, check out my dad's at http://wahdaimelon.blogspot.com/

Judge, Jury, & Execute Me

While first viewed as a fad, season after season of television has showed us that Reality TV is here to stay. While there are some good reality shows; some for their entertainment (Amazing Race, Top Chef), some for their contribution to actual society (Biggest Loser), or for the ability to make fun of them (anything on VH1), most of these shows are crap.

The most popular of this crap are the competition shows such as American Idol and America's Got Talent. Besides the fact that it completely undermines how real music or talent should be found, a lot of this stuff is over hyped pop-garbage. However, the crying over Sanjaya or the fat lady from Scotland (Britain's Got Talent) is not the biggest problem I have with these shows. The main fault that I find with the shows are the people who judge whether or not someone is talented.

I noticed my utter distaste for the judges early on, but it really struck me on Tuesday night, when at the bar, Jarrod and I were in front of a TV with America's Got Talent showing. On this particular episode, all the judges were making faces at this hideous lady as she tried to sing. Granted, she probably sucked (I don't know because the sound was off) and it's well within their right to say no and not let her pass. My problem was with how they mocked this lady. Especially the people who were mocking her.

First, David Hasselhoff: This guy doesn't have any talent, let alone the ability to judge people that do. Hasselhoff starred in two very popular sitcoms. The first was Knight Rider, which was a cop show that involved a talking car. In this, the talking car stole the show and was the only reason that people watched. His other popular series was Baywatch. There is no way on earth people gave a rat's ass that The Hoff was on that show, they wanted to see slow-motion booby bouncing. You could have put Dick Cheney as the co-star and it still would have been popular. Hasselhoff also supposedly is popular in Germany (big deal, so was Hitler). The most known thing that The Hoff has done recently is be a drunk retard in front of his kid (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH3JAp7vMuo&feature=fvw) - that must take a lot of talent.

Next, there's Sharon Osbourne. This lady is best known for being married to someone who actually was talented, Ozzy Osbourne. Her biggest talent was the ability to keep that guy alive. She took her reality show from MTV (which shows just how ridiculously dysfunctional her family is) and somehow turned that into a talk show deal. I don't even think that show lasted a full season. My guess is, people don't like taking advice from a person best known for marrying a degenerate and raising two degenerate kids. Thanks for showing up.

The last judge is Piers Morgan. I had to Google this guy to even know what he did to even remotely be considered. Supposedly, this guy was the editor for a big British tabloid magazine, the Daily Mirror. When did writing gossip about a bunch of shit that no one cares about suddenly give you the ability to judge talent? If I wanted to know what athlete a Kardashian is banging now, I'll ask Piers, but not if I want to know if someone can dance or sing, or do anything that requires any skill. I'll give it to him though, he did kiss Donald Trump's ass well enough to win the Celebrity Apprentice.

This amazing collaboration of judges and the crap that they judge is hosted by none other than Nick Cannon (yes, the one that's married to Mariah Carey). Nick Cannon is known for rapping, acting, and performing comedy. Granted, he does do these things, but none of them are good. His movie credits include Drumline, Garfield, Roll Bounce, and a bunch of crap no one's heard of. He had his own show, Wild'n Out, in which he was the worst performer on the show. Kat Williams was able to get more popular but Nick was forced to latch on to Mariah's teet to remain somewhat relevant. This guy goes to bed at night praying that he could have an ounce of the talent that Carlos Mencia has.

American Idol is no better, especially with the loopy Paula Abdul, who's biggest hit was made with a cartoon cat. However, at least Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell are known throughout the record business. I'm not even going to get started with Ryan Seacrest.

Please people, if you decide to watch this crap, take into consideration who you're allowing to sway your opinion.

Beer is Proof that God Loves Us & Wants Us To Be Happy

According to Wikipedia (not the most credible of sources, I know): Beer is the oldest and most popular alcoholic beverage. There is an abundance in the variety of choices of beer, whether it be lagers, ales, stouts, light beers, wheat beers, or any other kind your heart may desire. There are also a multitude of reasons that one may drink beer; enjoy the taste, peer pressure, to get drunk, or one of my favorites, to make someone of the opposite sex more appealing. For all of these reasons, beer is one of the more functional beverages on the market today. Everyone that enjoys beer, knows why they drink it and which option they prefer. However, the marketing gurus who develop beer advertising have not come to terms with the fact that their beverage sells itself. Here are three prime examples:

Dos Equis: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cxhsgr9Uj4w
In this wonderful ad, a character created by Dos Equis, The Most Interesting Man in the World, is described. His adventures include having an awkward moment to see how it feels, living vicariously through himself, and other great achievements. This mythical creature then endorses, well at least sort of, Dos Equis. He states, "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.". REALLY? So, Dos Equis created a character to sell beer that doesn't always drink beer, and when he does he PREFERS Dos Equis. If I created a character to sell beer, he'd need it to survive. Instead, this guy basically states that if he comes over to your party, and he happens to want a beer, he'll open the cooler and if there's a Dos Equis in it, he'll grab it. If Dos Equis isn't available, he doesn't really give a shit, he'll just grab something else. You damn sure better believe he's not stopping off at the store to grab his own 12-pack. Great endorsement dude, thanks for your time.

Bud Light: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmU_5i7UpyE&feature=related
Bud Light continues the trend of made up reasons to purchase their beverage. In this series of ads, the claim is that the "Drinkability" is the reason to drink Bud Light. First, Drinkability is not a word, and I hope it's drinkable, as all beer should be, it's not like they're selling bricks, or gas. If your product is a liquid, I'm pretty sure it's drinkable. To add to the non-existing word, these commercials also have made up drawings to explain what drinkable means. Some feature maps, others with waves, but in the end it all sucks. Could you imagine a movie preview telling you that the reason to go see their movie was because it was "Watchable". That pretty much implies that it's barely above God-AWFUL. Another ringing endorsement.

Coors Light: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLCeqN1AYE8
Coors Light likes to take an approach different from made up words or characters. Coors Light also likes to stay away from the actual product itself. Instead of working on the beer, the people at Coors have come up with every invention possible to add to their cans or bottles. They came with cooler pack (actually a good idea). There's also the vented, wide-mouth can (also, not that bad). However, the one that tops them all is the cold activated can or bottle. On one of these beauties, you can tell that your beer is cold by looking at the mountains on the label; if they're blue, then your beer is cold. You know how I can tell if my beer is cold - picking it up and fucking drinking it! And, Coors Light claims that it's the "Coldest Tasting Beer"; first, cold is not a taste, it's an adjective to describe temperature or personality. Second, if it's so fucking cold tasting, why should I worry about what color the mountains are? Try making your beer better than mediocre and then you can invent whatever the fuck you want.

Natural Light: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChcnrDRD450
I'm not going to take a long time to describe these Natty Light ads, because no one on Earth should ever take a lot of time talking about Natty Light, unless it's how many you can buy with the amount of money in your pocket. Granted, these ads are funny, but really, why is there a need to promote a beer that is strictly designed for High School and College budgets? Is there going to be a 40-year-old guy sitting around with his Stella or Newcastle who sees the ad and thinks to himself, "Holy shit, Natty Light has an ad. I'm going to drop my respectably brewed beer and go pick up a case of that raccoon piss!"; I don't think so. Stick to what you're good at Natty, being cheap and available at every college party ever.





There are many other poor beer ads that I could get into (Miller Light especially), but the point has been made. While there are good ads (Sam Adams for sure), beer companies and the people who market have no clue how to sell a product that needs no selling. If I'm creating an ad, I'm being honest with the people: You know why you should drink my beer, because every girl's going to become hotter and your day will become much better.



I want to dedicate my first blog posting to the late Billy Mays. Michael Jackson's death has overshadowed the loss of this great marketing legend. Shit, Billy's done more to entertain the masses in the last 5 years than MJ has (Court case doesn't count). Billy Mays could sell anyone anything; shit, if he sold HIV, I'd buy it. Well, only the non-life-threatening, Magic Johnson version. Billy, you truly will be missed.